why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
