if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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