I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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