my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
