he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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