I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
