Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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