I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
