new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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