So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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