I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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