Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
