I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
