Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
