If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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