I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize