I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You are a genius and a whore.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
