You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
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