Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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