Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
