I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I need to sanitize my soul.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
