There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
