I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize