He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
