I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Randomize