Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
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