I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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