I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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