I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
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