I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
