I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
