That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
