your parents love me but you hate me
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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