i was born a porn star she said
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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