Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
