Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize