So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
