Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I want you more than these girls want KFC
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
