Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
