I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
