you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm like, not good at living.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
