From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
