yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
be right there i have to get my cape
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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