She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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