One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
