My sheets look like a crime scene.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
