tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
