Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
