hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
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