piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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