he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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