I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Randomize
