1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
