I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So apparently I’m into choking now
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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