ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
My day in three words: secret purse cake
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
