You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
what is it with giant penises always finding me
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
