as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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